Ugh, Tuesday. As much as I look forward to Mondays, Tuesdays are a struggle bus. At least I have the anthem of summer 2020 to keep me in a positive mindset.
When do my dogs get to the age where they just…lay down and blink at me for long periods of the day? Scratch that because my older dog is already this age. The puppy, of course, ruins everything (though she is asleep at the moment).
Speaking of sleep, I’m back to sleeping the sleep of the dead. This morning was definitely a what day is it? Where am I? type of morning, and not in the general pandemic-induced way most of us are experiencing. It took me a moment to orient myself to time and space, and I didn’t really even dream.
I can’t decide if it’s becoming more or less strange to just…never have plans. It’s like feeling rudderless and yet permanently anchored all at once.
We are definitely in a rut right now. My cooking imagination is sputtering. Mostly I only want to make old favorites but at the same time, all those things bore me to tears. My quilting project is on indefinite hold (when will I get my supplies? who knows!). We’ve canceled our vacation plans and along with them the faint hope that all of this would magically go away (we knew better, but still). I feel cranky a lot, but also grateful, but also scared, but also angry.
I keep taking on freelance work as if I am some kind of Depression-era person or a squirrel, hoarding nuts for the unpredictable season ahead. Logically I know this isn’t helping my feelings of do this, do this, now do this, and this and this but I also wonder if a too-busy mind is my only offense right now? I feel like trying to game the system when the “system” is your own brain is a good recipe for not doing so hot in general. When will I learn!
I am supposed to get some books in the mail soon (“soon”) and I’m hoping to redirect some energy into just reading novels rather than coronavirus newsletters and Twitter. I know! I know. I’m my own worst enemy. It’s just that Twitter is where you find the good jokes and things like the butthole song.
Okay, well. This Tuesday is Tuesday-ing pretty hard and I’m about to give up for the afternoon and take the dogs for a walk and try not to be annoyed at them for only wanting to chomp on each others’ heads all day long while I am trying to work.