Something about me is that I’m extremely soft-hearted (mostly) and it’s difficult for me to read about other people’s pain without feeling it pretty intensely. (Despite this, I continue to use Twitter.) Our Current Climate™ has been difficult in this regard. There are so many sad stories.
One way I deal with this is to try and put some good out into the world. Since mid-March, I’ve tried to seek out ways to alleviate pain, even if I never get to know if it worked or to what extent. I’ve donated money and I’ve done smaller and more personal things for friends and strangers alike, and while these things do make me feel good for a little bit, the larger point is that I am trying to cultivate generosity within myself. Because it is very easy to be stingy right now. Not stingy with things but with thoughts. It is incredibly easy to think the worst of people, as it turns out! Even the worst people have humanity (well most of them) and it is helpful to me to remember that.
This week I’ve tried to have a more generously inclined spirit regarding the puppy and maybe it is working or maybe she is growing up a little, but the last two days she has been very pleasant. I sent her to school on Monday with the other dog and when they returned she was tired but not asshole tired. Yesterday I tried some more of our new training with her and she did really well. I took them both on a walk around noon yesterday and only wanted to give them away to passing strangers once or twice. They played outside and I put water in their baby pool, which the older dog ignored (he likes to sleep next to the one they have at daycare but is very no thank you about getting in it) and the puppy viewed as a giant water dish. In spite of the horribleness of the world, it was a nice day.
On Monday I made Smitten Kitchen’s hot fudge sauce simply because I wanted to. I added vanilla ice cream to our grocery order as a vehicle for the hot fudge. Right now, you might as well eat a hot fudge sundae on a Monday evening. And on Tuesday, you might as well mix up the Ghiradelli box brownies and have one with the ice cream and the hot fudge. I baked the brownies in a round cake pan because I could. Who the fuck cares anymore! Just do what you want.
I ordered my husband a weighted blanket last week and it allegedly arrives today (shipping and delivery dates remain highly uh…flexible as things “return to normal”). I bought this in the hopes that it might help him stop waking up so much at night. I have been sleeping semi-crappily the last couple of nights (I seem to wake up around 2 a.m. and immediately set myself the task of solving complex geopolitical issues) but in general, I’m a very sound sleeper. This has honestly been a supreme blessing given all there is to, well, keep one up at night lately.
Anyway: he wakes up fairly frequently every night and while melatonin helps him be able to fall back asleep, it would probably be better overall if he didn’t wake up four or five times in the first place. Our sleep experience is already pretty heavily “curated” if you’ll forgive me using that dumb word: we have an air purifier in there, a humidifier (seasonally, also: pandemic purchase!), a sound machine aka the Google Home spy thing that came “free” (it only costs your privacy!) from Spotify, a fan, and of course our separate-but-equal top sheets and duvets. Maybe the weighted blanket will be a bridge too far but then again maybe it will be just the ticket. Watch this space to find out if it becomes a dog bed like the cashmere blanket I bought on extreme sale at Home Goods years ago!
I’m taking tomorrow and Friday off work for no real reason. It feels dumb, with nowhere to go, but also I need to do some things around the house that have been neglected. I am tentatively planning to have our cleaners return mid-June and as much as it embarrasses me to say it, I do actually need to clean the house before they clean the house. Having cleaners twice a month was a fantastic way for me to keep on top of clutter (they just clean, they don’t put my stuff away nor should they have to deal with it being everywhere) and without the benefit of their visits, we have gotten a little…careless about the detritus. I am sure you all will feel me on this but: junk mail alone can sink you, as it turns out.
On one of my days off, I may also visit my parents in a socially distant fashion. I am looking forward to seeing them but not looking forward to having a conversation about how they need to skip all the graduation parties and whatnot they’ve been invited to later this month. I know it is easy (and tempting!) to put coronavirus in the rearview mirror, but as long as it is out here in these streets killing people, any type of sheet cake party is a no from me, dawg.
I am nearly finished reading The Glass Hotel. If you read Station Eleven don’t sleep on The Glass Hotel as there are some cross-references that will intrigue you. Next up I will be reading Hilary Mantel’s The Mirror and the Light, which is the third book in the Wolf Hall trilogy. I was COMPLETELY UNAWARE this existed and I can’t wait to tear into it. When I finish The Mirror and the Light I do not know where I will go next, but probably back to my own bookshelf as I know there are a number of things there I still need to read. I ordered So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo recently but it is understandably on backorder. That’s a good thing. (Please seek out Ijeoma Oluo on the internet in general.)
In closing, to quote Issa Rae at the Emmys, I’m rooting for everybody Black.