I’ve had many blogs/online spaces over the years, including one where I complained about the HGTV network. I know this network still exists, but it feels like a relic to me, along with many other artifacts of our society, such as common decency and democracy.
Anyway, because the world feels particularly upsetting this week, and because trying to write this newsletter (which usually provides me escape and creative release and joy) felt oddly difficult and futile, I am sharing an old post about the show Property Brothers. It was published in October 2012. I don’t even know if PBs is still on the air? I can’t be bothered to check, but perhaps you watched it and shared some of these impressions.
It was a different time: Barack Obama was president. Maroon 5’s “One More Night” topped the Billboard Hot 100. Hurricane Sandy was the month’s biggest news story. I lived on the second floor of a Cleveland duplex with my boyfriend (I married him two years later) and watched a lot of HGTV. It seems like a very, very long time ago.
I have mentioned the show Property Brothers before, and I have to say, on the spectrum of HGTV shows, it is really not too bad. The hosts are freakishly tall, and the one guy always has a regrettable haircut or facial hair thing going on, but they are not too objectionable personality-wise. Their designs are always pretty nice. And I also like that they get just as frustrated with the homeowners as I do.
The one problem with the Property Bros (aside from their names...they have one of those first-name-last-names so is it Drew and Jonathan Scott or Scott and Jonathan Drew, or whatever, I can never remember) is of course the people who are buying the home. I will say that newer episodes have been less annoying in this regard, but you still get a number of people who are downright perplexed that their $200,000 budget won't actually buy them a $1.5 million home.
Anyway, the other night I remarked on Twitter that HGTV should be called "The Imagined Hardships Channel" and the reason I said that is because I really have a hard time with how much grown-ass adults are willing to whinge and whine about not having granite countertops. Or, fuck that, about having to paint a wall or take up carpet.
I realize there is a lot of stress and emotion tied up in buying a home. You're spending all this money and essentially rolling the dice on whether or not you'll be able to afford this constantly breaking/falling apart albatross for the next 30 years. You feel stretched to the limit financially and the last thing you want to do is go to Home Depot and buy some more god damned paint. But if you're on a RENOVATION SHOW I mostly think you should suck it up and prepare to wield a paint roller once in a while.
(And I know – beyond the merest shadow of a doubt – that if I was on this show, I would hate me too. They design it that way. But still!! Argh!!)
On Property Brahs the homeowners are always chittering about how OMG harrrrrd it is to go through this grueling renovation, and I'm sorry but aside from the ol' first-swing-of-the-sledgehammer money shot, the people I mostly see crawling under subfloors and breathing in 50-year-old plaster dust are work crews. Meanwhile the homeowners employ the time-honored Seagull Technique which is to swoop in, unceremoniously shit all over everything and then disappear. "I thought it was going to be a double sink!" "But I wanted the custom cabinetry!" "Why can't I have the hammered copper basin!" OH MY GOD LISTEN TO YOURSELF.
You just spent $200,000 on a house and a crew of contractors is totally renovating it for you in a matter of weeks! Maybe you have it better than like 98% of people WHO HAVE EVER LIVED EVER. IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF TIME.
Last night on Property Brothers the homeowner, Amber, whined because an unexpected plumbing problem threatened to derail her plans for a second bathroom with a clawfoot tub (which she will NEVER use because it is in the GUEST BATHROOM) and a chandelier. She remarked, "I'm not very nice when I don't get what I want." OH NO MA’AM I AM SURE THAT CAN’T BE TRUE. Like not to burst your bubble Amber but that is not exactly news to me, or to Scott and Drew Jonathan, or to any of the 38 teams of workers putting together your stupid house. THEY KNOW.
In fact, AMBER, I feel like the whole trick of getting cast on one of these shows is that you have demonstrated your ability to not be very nice when you don’t get what you want! Without that particular quality, you are just another lady with clawfoot tub dreams and a Bath Fitters budget. But good luck with your renovation, I am sure once it is finished it will fix everything about you.