#251
Just Some Lady
Have I shown you this demented/possibly cursed object?
I bought her on Etsy a while ago when my husband co-opted my vintage pottery spoon rest as a resting place for spent bags of Barry’s. She is a purpose-built spoon rest, made in Japan at some point in the middle of the previous century, and she is actually very batshit if you think about it!
Reader, she is HOLDING A CIGARETTE and having her morning coffee with her elbows on the table. Her hair is still tied up from the night before, and she’s wearing her housecoat. She is sleepy and unhappy! And, for no good reason whatsoever, across the front of her robe, it says Have a good day!! with TWO exclamation points. The second exclamation point here drives home much of this spoon rest’s insane vibe.
I have one thousand questions, but first among them, and perhaps most important, why?? Why does this exist? Who thought of it? WHAT ELSE DID THEY MAKE?
I love this spoon rest woman very much. She is not as sturdy as the flower-shaped pottery version I had previously, and I am very afraid I will break her. But I also can’t stand the thought of not seeing her every day, sitting between my stove’s two back burners and radiating her confusing energy.
Also, one night when my husband was making dinner, he asked me to help him by moving Spoon Lady off the stove. Except instead of Spoon Lady, I heard “Spoon Bae,” and now that is, of course, her name.
Speaking of hearing things incorrectly, I recently took a hearing test to prove that my hearing is just fine, but unfortunately for me, it is not just fine. My hearing loss is mild, but hearing aids (ONE THOUSAND SKULL EMOJIS) would not be out of the question; however, the doctor recommended holding off on them for now and checking back in a year or so.
I feel fine about this now – most of the time, I don’t notice my hearing loss. I would rather not have hearing aids, but I also don’t want to end up like my mother, who hears about 25% of any given conversation, pretends she did hear it, and then is annoyed when everyone wonders why she doesn’t know what they are talking about.
In the immediate aftermath of that hearing test, though, I spent about a week floating around in a haze, feeling like I inhabited the body of a stranger – an OLD-ASS stranger – and not liking it very much. Who is this old person, subject to frailties beyond her control? CAN’T BE ME.
Aging is not dignified, and this is not improved by the accompanying reality that I still feel, most days, like I don’t know what the hell I am doing. How can I be old enough to have hearing loss when I am still an idiot? I can’t be getting old because I feel very immature a lot of the time, even though I am always muttering “grow up” under my breath at people on the internet. (Lately, these are mostly people in very powerful government positions.)
Rest assured that when I do get hearing aids, I will work up an accompanying tight five making fun of myself for it. This hilarious bit will be built around the theme of “can you believe I am old enough to have hearing aids?” and everyone who is forced to endure it will think to themselves, “yes, absolutely.”
In possibly related news, I recently purchased a box of assorted eyeglass chains on Amazon (yes I still occasionally use Amazon and hate myself for it), and I…like them? The look is very auntie chic but there are worse things, including not being able to find one single god damn pair of the at least 10 pairs of reading glasses you have in the house. Also, I just got sick of wearing them on my head, although it is handy for pushing one’s hair back in a pinch.
The Amazon thing…should not be such a struggle. I do love convenience, including things like vitamins, body wash, and toilet paper being shipped to me on a predictable schedule without me having to remember anything at all. Perhaps this is the root of our problems as humans, though, and perhaps it would not pain me to simply stop at the janky CVS to buy these things (well, it would indeed pain me, but in a different way related to the worst parking lot in the world) when I am out and about.
Recently, I opted to buy quilting thread from an Etsy seller instead of Amazon, even though it set me back about a week in finishing the quilt; I’ll certainly live, and it will be finished eventually. When you think about it, expecting overnight delivery of thread you are using to finish hand-sewing a blanket, something that hasn’t been necessary for most of the last 100 years, is pretty silly. (Ask me how this is going for me when the Post Office is finally ruined for good.)
Once again, your eyeglasses-chain-wearing, liberal scold auntie must remind you to call your representatives in Congress. If you are tired of doing that, I’m sorry! I’m tired of it, too. This is who I am now. If I have to get old and be deaf in this country, I don’t want it to be under a dictatorship. Sorry to be selfish.