Oh heavens, hello! Sorry, it’s been a while. But that is the kind of relationship we have, where we pick right up where we left off without apologizing for the radio silence.
Right?
Anyway. I have a significant birthday coming up, and I’ve been reflecting on the wisdom I’ve acquired, most of it in more recent years. Women especially seem to waste a lot of time trying to have a gratitude practice or reframe shitty things as lEsSoNs LeArNeD instead of just accepting that sometimes it’s okay for things to be shitty. Shit happens! Or as I’ve recently learned the French say, “ça arrive!” or literally, it arrives. It certainly does!
If you have a gratitude practice, by the way, that’s great and you should continue doing it. It is just pas pour moi.
Anyway, the biggest and best piece of wisdom I can convey to you is the Ultimate Life Power Move: “I’m not doing that.” Sometimes you say this to yourself or sometimes you say it out loud to a person who isn’t quite catching on. You deliver this phrase in a completely anodyne (but firm) manner and very few people will argue with you.
“I’m not doing that” is also a good Work Power Move, and I’d like to share some other good ones with you today.
“That’s ladies’ work and I don’t do ladies’ work.”
This is probably the best thing I’ve ever said to anyone at work. It happened during some planning for a big meeting and somebody asked me to help with something like catering. This is the kind of work that always ends up in some woman’s lap if there is not a designated event planner type (also usually a woman but I digress).
“Ladies’ work” includes anything related to food, gifts, decor/ambiance, activities, logistics, or anything that men claim they can’t do/aren’t good at. Here is a secret: all people can do these things regardless of what is going on in their bathing suit area!
You have to be careful about ladies’ work. If you do it once it will be your job forever. Only consent to do ladies’ work if men are also doing it.
Cold-calling someone who is being a dick via electronic means
I guarantee you that if someone is being a brat over Slack or email and you immediately cold-call them or sent them a Zoom link, they will change their tune more or less immediately. They will purr like a kitten. They will, suddenly and without explanation, not be nearly as upset or obnoxious as they were 1.5 seconds prior. They are also very unlikely to Try It in the future.
First one to talk loses
This is a time-honored negotiation technique, but it also works in uncomfortable work conversations. The more people on the call, the more potent this is. Say your piece and then shut up, no matter how long the ensuing silence is. Revel in it. Channel this energy:
“No” all by itself
This is a good one in any part of life, but resist the temptation to explain or elaborate. No is a complete sentence!
Interrupting or talking over a man
This is one of my favorites. Sorry men! You are used to people crouching before you in awed silence, I know, but stop expecting that. I talk over and interrupt men at work all the time, even ones I respect and like, and they all live to tell the tale. Sometimes with especially obnoxious people, you have to talk over them for a long time but just keep it up, they will get uncomfortable eventually.
Ignoring comments that aren’t followed by a solution or suggestion
You may not want to go right into this one, you can try “Interesting! Do you have a suggestion?” or “Okay! Feel free to suggest an edit/alternative!” It is up to the other person whether to take this at face value or be butthurt about it because these are perfectly reasonable follow-ups.
The point here is that you are too busy to try and guess what people want and you can’t read their minds. If they have knowledge that would improve whatever you’re working on, great! They can share it. If they just want to be important or contrary or a horse’s ass, that is not a valid reason to slow down the work at hand. If they don’t have a suggestion or expect you to divine what they mean, delete or accept the comment without further ado. They’ll live! And if it’s really important they will follow up with you.
A final anecdote
My first real job was an administrative position at an accounting firm. My main job was basically to “take care of” one of the partners (a man, it goes without saying). I made his golf outing arrangements, I typed his letters, I screened resumes for people he wanted to hire, I did his time entry and all sorts of other babysitting shit. And I sat at a desk right outside his office.
My cubicle had what was called a “transaction counter,” presumably so this man I worked for could loom over me and give me instructions (he was not really like that, he was a polite human who treated me like a colleague). But what would happen was that junior associates waiting to see him would dump their binders and papers on my counter and lean on the counter and have conversations with other people while I was working.
Now, most people, when asked politely to please stop doing that, would apologize and move away and not do it anymore. But one guy (obviously!) not only ignored my request but took pleasure in making a big show of slamming his stuff down on the counter and being loud and laughing at my requests to please stop it. Finally, one day I said, “Chris, if you keep doing that, I will push all of your papers off the counter onto the floor.”
He laughed at me and said, “No you won’t.”
So. I did.
He was very angry with me, and I probably should have gotten in some trouble for doing it, but even remembering it all these years later, my fingers are tingling with adrenaline. In that moment, I may have levitated out of my chair, glowing with power, like She-Ra. He definitely never put his papers on my desk again, and notably he did not make an issue of the incident, probably because he knew he was being a shit on purpose.
Make it your resolution to try a power move next week with someone who needs it!